Anton Maiof’s 10 Tips For University

It would probably help to read this FUCKING AWFUL article first, this is a response to this UTTER BULLSHIT (I’m not really angry about it, but it does make me die a little inside)

Anton Maiof’s 10 Tips For University

1. Pack Nothing.
No one cares about where you’ve been or where you’re going. In the future you will realize that being able to make a quick dash with your belongings is far preferable to having to organize a van to move. i.e. Come Zombie/Alien/Auslander invasion, you’re precious memories won’t matter a damn thing. Logically home is wherever you are. You’re an idiot if you think otherwise.

2. Avoid Everyone.
If you want friends, right, no one ever became friends by being thrown together randomly. Look at the Sugarbabes, or any of Her Majesty’s prisons, sure they’ll be nice to you for a while and then BAM. Cocktown.

3. Wear your heart wherever the fuck you like
At some point you’ll realize that everything you liked as a child was fucking rubbish. You’ll have a conversation with people on your course about old cartoons from your childhood. It is perfectly acceptable to start crying once this conversation starts. It makes me want to weep in dispair just writing it down.

4. Gap years are for cunts
You went to sao paulo? I got a job and took a lot of drugs. My time away was as wasted as yours.

5. Food
You’ll need this to live.

6. Your Bed
You’ll need somewhere to pass out and to masturbate. This is the place to do it. If you do somehow convince someone to come home with you boys, it probably helps if its clean. Girls, it doesn’t matter, it won’t last long and most likely you’ll be incredibly disappointed by the whole thing. You know if you’d fucked us more as teenagers we’d be better at it. If people weren’t so shy, we wouldn’t have to watch lots of mind warping porno in order to find out where everything is roughly. In the end everyone lets everyone else down. Someday you’ll realize this is what people are on about when they say things are “acceptable”.

7. Practicalities
You don’t need them. Most things can be stolen from pubs if you really need them.

8. Games
One fun game you can play is finding out everyone else’s weak points and then exploiting them for you own gain, or turning people against one another in a fun way. Keep notes on everything. People will be playing these games with you all the time. Mostly out of insecurity and panic about the new world they have in front of them. Just be better than them at it.

9. Music
This WILL happen to you. You will be at a party and someone will have an acoustic guitar. In order to impress a girl they will play one of the following songs: Creep by Radiohead, Everybody Hurts by REM or Hallelujah which they think was written by Jeff Buckley and will have no idea about Leonard Cohen. They are doing this because they once saw someone else do it and didn’t realize that people are crying not because they are moved by the music but because they want you to stop. Some girls will fuck you just to make sure your hands are busy. You’re not contributing to the arts, you’re contributing to the pollution of the world. Well done, you jerk.

If you MUST make some music you will need what is known as an electronic shaker and a Boss metal zone and a small amplifier. This man is your new hero

These items are less cumbersome than a guitar and will literally sound better than one of those fucking aforementioned songs. (as a side note some arty girl might fuck you because of you might be able to mask how pathetic you are behind what is known as “edge” (not to be confused with The Edge from U2, that is different) also if you are a girl and do this you will get lots of unwanted attention from lonely weirdo’s, believe me…)

10. Things to avoid
Other people. Sharp objects. Men who say they are feminists. Women who DON’T say they are feminists. “Student” Nights. “Student” Pubs. Crack and Smack. Unsafe electrical sockets. The Po-Po. And whatever you do if Michael Barrymore invites you to his house for a party, for the love of God say “No!” politely.

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3 responses to “Anton Maiof’s 10 Tips For University

  1. Oh tony. This made my mind eyes weep with joy and the sinking realisation that it is all true. A caveat to add for the geek students- you will be judged by the size of external hard drive you bring, and a girl may let you touch a tit but only as an Exchange for copying all seasons of dexter from said hard drive.

  2. Nice retort to the simpleminded advice from an out of touch mother. “Take a trunk, it will attract ridicule from your fellow students and will decrease your already slim chances of ever getting laid.”

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